A few days ago, a good friend remarked that 'you don't realise how much you love someone until they're not there anymore.' It's a familiar phrase to many of us and it is one that I hear just about every time somebody close to a friend dies. It seems reasonable, really because it is reasonable. It is very, very easy to take people for granted and it appears to me that people do it throughout every stage of their life: the young child (necessarily) takes their parents for granted, always expecting that they will be there to see to their needs; an adult might take their best friend for granted, thinking that they will always be around to deal with the aftermath of a breakup, and so it goes on. We all know that taking people for granted isn't the best way to be, but it's a trap we are all guilty of falling into at one time or another.
Nevertheless, my first response upon reading that 'you don't realise how much you love someone until they're not there anymore' was twofold. First, I thought 'this is really sad, my friend is struggling with the loss of a (mutual, as it happens) friend and this is the resulting realisation that perhaps he might have appreciated this friend a little more. Something that I am sure we can all relate to. Second, though, I thought 'that doesn't need to be true'. Over the past three months or so, I have seen the deaths of two friends and my Nan. Of all the emotions and thought processes that accompany grief - loss, anger, bewilderment, regret, sorrow and so forth - I can honestly say that this thought that I somehow hadn't appreciated my friends or my Nan in life never entered into my head. This is not because I am some emotionless droid, or because I am a benevolent all-loving hippy. It is rather down to a more simple fact: I knew how much I loved them, and so did they. Importantly, I think that this loving awareness can be cultivated, and more to the point, I think that it is an integral facet of the Buddhist path.
Seasoned scholars/students of Buddhism will be aware of mindfulness as a means by which we continually evaluate our thoughts, motivations and their manifestations in behaviour. This is the part that interests me. There is something to be said for being aware of yourself, the people around you and your interactions with them. If a result of being mindful when in the company of other people is that we respect the other person and are directly aware of/open about our own feelings toward them - and I think that it is - then it is obvious that this openness needs to start with ourselves. The first thing we should recognise is that it is ok to love people, in fact, it's better than ok. There are all sorts of love, but let's try to sum up a type recognisable in Buddhist contexts (I think it is probably the most important and fundamental means of loving that we can aspire to, in any case): a deep respect for, affection for and concern for other people and their interests.
It's not fashionable to say this out loud. I fear that we live in a society that is increasingly isolationist, if not in practice, then at the very least in rhetoric. I touched on this in an earlier post and I stand by the general thrust of my point therein. We are told to be selfish, taught to help ourselves first and worry about what's left for others later. We kowtow to governmental 'I'm all right, Jack' mentalities and enforce them in our communities with minimal protest. A love for others that drifts along the lines of a deep respect for, affection for and concern for other people and their interests is anathema to these sorts of worldviews... And that's ok. People shouldn't be shamed for holding this view, they should be celebrated. If we are mindful of this principle in our day-to-day dealings with people, it cultivates a change in our disposition. It changes our character. If you genuinely try to hold this concern close to your heart in your day-to-day encounters then eventually it becomes habitual and you do it without thinking. Why is this important? Because the change allows us to be more honest about how we feel about people; both with ourselves, and with the people in question.
In turn, this will mean that you will tell people that you love them and appreciate them. We should all do this, it's a good, worthwhile thing to say, and it injects a bit of happiness into both our lives and the life of the person we are engaging with. Be aware of the affection you have for your best mate, and bloody well tell them. Tell your Mum, your Nan, your cousins. Tell the postie that you appreciate their toil. It need not be difficult. There is a bit of a machismo thing with males and this sort of openness (not with every male, I hasten to add - but we all know this exists), it limits us because we let it. Machismo is a wasted effort, it's not important. Do not miss out on telling your friends that you love them because it's 'not what men do', or it's 'girly' or because it is whatever other silly, archaic reason a lot of lads come up with when faced with anything remotely emotional or 'nice'.
Be aware of what your friendship means to you the next time you get a text asking you out for a drink and you can't really be bothered to pull yourself away from the X Factor. Keep in mind the love you have for a friend who is awkwardly mithering you when you're trying to watch your favourite Arnie flick. Every now and again it is important to get off your backside, realise what is important to you, act on it, let people know they are significant and that you appreciate their presence. When you do this, you have no regrets. You will realise how much you love someone, and it won't take their absence - through death or otherwise - to enlighten you. You will know, they will know, and what could possibly be better than that?
